W.T.F.

cat-what-the-fuck

First of all, that’s bloody hilarious.

Second of all, Wise Kitty is directing that question to this writer. Said writer is 100% certain of it, being as she’s been asking herself the same question for months now. And yet, the answer continues to elude her, for reasons as yet unknown.

Meanwhile, said writer is painfully cognizant of the implications of Wise Kitty’s question, which include a proverbial ticking clock…

Oh fuck. Fucking A. What is wrong with me? said writer asks Wise Kitty. I mean, aside from the following:

a) I don’t have an agent anymore.

b) My agent pool for CHERRY is nearly dry.

c) If I self-pubbed CHERRY I’d need permissions, as I’ve quoted from TRY, STONE CITY, Elmore Leonard’s TEN RULES of WRITING, and the biggie: THE CATCHER IN THE RYE, kinda sorta. Actually, whether I self-pub or have an agent/publisher, I’d need permissions anyway, but…

d) My query for ALBERT (still) kinda sucks.

e) If I forego agents altogether and just try publishers, would I be making a huge mistake? I can’t stop waffling. (<– Maybe that should be f).

f) See a). My confidence was shaken when I parted company with my agent back in February. I haven’t yet recovered. I thought I had. Apparently, I was wrong.

g) I’m in the middle of writing a thriller–with two POVs, set in both the present and the past–which is not a genre I’ve written before. Hence, my uncertainty/waffling.

h) What agent would take on an author whose novels a) don’t fit the status quo, b) are dissimilar, and c) are adult literary fiction narrated by children/pricks/psychos…?

i) I’m deluding myself. I will never be published. (See all of the above).

j) Relative to g ), my WIP (SOULLESS), has possibilities, but only if I take my poor young main characters to a very dark place, which can only happen if I allow myself to go to that dark place…

Who the hell am I kidding? I’m there. I’ve been there. I don’t know how the fuck to get OUT of there, which is slowly and quietly killing me and yet I feel compelled to carry on, which is why Wise Kitty is asking me once more, with feeling:

cat-what-the-fuck

Apologies, Wise Kitty. I have no fucking idea.

 

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8 thoughts on “W.T.F.

  1. I wish I had words of wisdom for you kk. I’ve been there, I am there, apparently I’ve signed a lifetime lease. I’ll just offer (((((hugs)))))) and faith in you and your writing, as always. ❤

    • Oh mrs fringe! I didn’t tell you I wrote this post because I was embarrassed. You must think I’m a nut, certifiable. Seriously. Here I am, 44.5k-words in on my WIP, saying I have no faith or hope or whatever the eff. Truly, I sound ridiculous to myself, and even as I hit the ‘post’ button earlier today I was thinking, omg, this is so pathetic. I had an agent, which is more than most fine writers can say. I have the opportunity to write, which is a luxury and I know that. I think I write well, and when I’m not down on myself I have confidence in my writing that isn’t evident in this post.. .

      I have signed that same lease, mrs fringe. For better or worse, richer or poorer. I ain’t getting into the death-do-us-part part, which is wise, don’t you agree? 🙂 I appreciate you coming by and writing what you did. You *do* get it. The vacillation and all of it. The self-doubt. The hope. I sometimes feel like a guy with a loaf of bread under both arms, saying he’s hungry. I have nothing to complain about, not really. All this is fear–of the unknown, of lost opportunities, of time running out.I hope it goes away soon because right now, it’s really disconcerting.

      Until then, thank you for the ((((hugs))) and faith, honey. Any time I can return the favor, let me know.

      xoxo kk

  2. God, what I’ve read of yours has been amazing, and I yearn for the day I can tell my boss a release date for your books so we can have them on the library shelves. But, I have no answers for you. Though I can applaud your excellent .gif usage!

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