It’s real damn hot out, which reminds me of something the late, great Elmore Leonard counselled:
Never open a book with weather.
How true, how true . . . and speaking of Leonard, I had every intention of quoting the great Elmore Leonard and George Orwell in a rousing blog post about writing, but you know what they say about intentions, good or otherwise.
Perhaps I’ll leave that post for another day.
Actually, no I won’t . . . not exactly. What I’ll do is pepper this post with appropriately sage advice from Misters Leonard and Orwell, which reminds me: yi shi er niao (Translated: kill two birds with one stone); translated because, as the great writer George Orwell once said:
Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
So. Last weekend, mr kk and I drove down to Indiana with his sister to spend time at another sister’s house; a kind of family reunion in the wake of his dear mom’s passing. It’s a great place to visit, beautiful country; in fact, I wrote about it once upon a time:
Our drive from Michigan through Ohio was . . . let’s call it “unpalatable,” as in, “leaving a bad taste in one’s mouth.” We were clipping right along when suddenly, just north of Toledo, all hell broke loose, which reminds me of this tasty tidbit from Mister Leonard:
Never use the words “suddenly” or “all hell broke loose.”
Anyway, we three vowed to take a different way home and we did, too, settling on Route 127, aka “the slow way,” which it most definitely is, taking five+ hours of drive time instead of the usual four. 127 cuts through endless miles of flat farmland, providing ample time to devour that well-greased, foot-long salami stick and put a real dent in the hot ginger candy (“Delicious Nuggets of Baby Ginger Root and Pure Cane Sugar and NOTHING ELSE!”), whilst chawing on about This and That and Every Other Damn Thing, which brings me to the primary focus of this post, whilst simultaneously reminding me that everything I’ve written up to this point has been nothing more than a prologue–
Wait, didn’t the great Elmore Leonard have an opinion about prologues?
Anyhoo. . .
There we were, talking trash as we traversed America’s Heartland, chewing and chawing and having ourselves a good ol’ time, when one of us–doesn’t matter who–brought up Idiot (aka Donald Trump), which immediately sparked a thirty minute, 3-way impassioned discussion (if you can call it that) about the utter insanity of that guy and this crazy-ass Presidential mess we find ourselves in. . .
Mr kk’s sister is devoutly Catholic, but with liberal leanings. To say that mr kk and I are liberal is putting it mildly. Mr kk leans even farther to the left than I do, and I’m nearly falling over, if you catch my drift. Needless to say, none of us can stomach that far-right Republican Bullshit. That shit’s bad enough, but then, every time we turn on the radio now, or open a newspaper or watch the news, our left-leaning sensibilities are assaulted–assaulted, folks–by all things Trump. It’s All Trump, All The Time!!!!!!!! which makes me want to puke and reminds me, as the amazing Elmore Leonard once said,
Keep your exclamation points under control. You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words of prose.
I know, Mr. Leonard!!!! But sometimes, I can’t seem to help it!!!!!!!
Seriously, though, every time Trump (aka, asshole) opens that mouth and spews forth that hateful, hurtful, stupid and/or ridiculous crapazoid CRAP, it makes me want to barf or break something or blow my effing brains out–
But what’s worse than The Donald himself, worse even than the unending”news coverage” of that asshole, is seeing/hearing/reading about those who are actually planning to vote for the guy. I mean, REALLY??????
I can think of a ton of metaphors for people like that, but a certain nugget of Orwellian wisdom comes immediately to mind, to wit:
Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
I know, but I can’t help it, Mr. Orwell. When I think of the people who are still enamored with Trump; or worse, when I think of our own elected officials who disagree with everything he says, but vow to vote for him because they have a duty to their party, to “support the presumptive Republican nominee,” even after everything that megalomaniac has said and done, certain metaphors do come to mind. The following are courtesy of Stephen Babcock, quoted on Larry Bodine’s Law Marketing Blog ( http://blog.larrybodine.com/2007/06/articles/ha/metaphors-for-he-is-as-dumb-as/ ):
- A few beers short of a six-pack.
- Sharp as a bowl of jello.
- All crown – no filling.
- Echoes between the ears.
- Ain’t wrapped too tight.
- Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
- Two tacos short of a combination plate.
- Oil doesn’t reach his dipstick.
- Surfing in Nebraska.
I’m at a loss here, Nebraska. How can anybody, with any sense whatsoever—
Oh, right. Those people have no sense whatsoever. Add to that, no heart and no soul. What they do have is
Avoid detailed descriptions of characters.
Sorry, Mr. Leonard.
Anybody with access to a tv, smart phone, iPad or primitive cave drawings knows by now about Hillary Clinton’s unfortunate lack of judgement relative to those damned emails. I’m not offering excuses; in fact, I wish like hell she hadn’t been so reckless, but her recklessness is nothing compared to the recklessness of Donald Trump–in word, deed, and intention. And anybody who fails to SEE that, anybody who denies it or worse, holds it up as an example of a “man of the people” who “speaks his mind”. . . to those imbecilic IDIOTS I say–
Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip, kk.
True dat, Mister Leonard. True dat.