What’s going on?

Attribution: Flammarion

Attribution: Flammarion

Good question.

I’ve dicked around for about three weeks now, tweaking my query for EFFIN’ ALBERT, sporadically submitting CHERRY queries. On occasion during that time, I’ve pulled up my WIP and read parts, changed a word, removed a comma. Absolute Write put out a call for short story submissions (Erotica, no less), and I actually wrote 2K words before fizzling out. The deadline was today.

Too late.

That’s it. At least, I think that’s it: the thing that’s been sticking with me, sticking in my proverbial craw: that sinking feeling that this has all been for naught; that my chances have passed me by or worse, that I’ve been deluding myself into actually believing I had a shot at getting published.

Yeah, me and a thousand other aspiring writers. Let me amend that: aspiring-to-be-published writers. I’m already a writer, writing seriously for over three years now; five novels complete, a new one in the works. I write pretty well from what folks tell me.

But as my good buddy Mrs Fringe has alluded to on her own blog, good writing–even great writing–doesn’t guarantee diddly. I know it doesn’t. I’ve always said–swore, or so I believed–that what I really wanted was to write something, if not of beauty, then, at least, of value. But the truth is, I want more than that. I want to be published, that’s what I want, and I don’t know if that’s going to happen for me.

Yeah. Me and a thousand other writers, I know. KKellie ain’t speshul, wishing on that particular star.

Anyway, back to what’s been going on. The last couple of days, I’ve been mulling things over. A lot. And I think I may have figured it out. See, today was my scheduled appointment with my gynecologist. It’s the first time I’ve seen him since having that D & C and finding I had uterine cancer. Knowing I was going there today had been weighing heavily on my mind, all that anxiety and fear and vulnerability that’s been lurking, just beneath the surface, coming to the fore. I dreaded that visit, tell you what.

The other thing bugging me of late had to do with what we writers call The Nudge. It was past due. You give agents/editors x months to review your full, it takes time. But the three-month mark seems to be standard and my (second, or was it third) three-month mark passed a good three weeks ago, for two folks who have the full for CHERRY. A certain agent is swamped, I’ve been following her twitter feed. Three months ago, she told me to hang tight. Same deal with a certain indie pub editor. He’ been travelling the country, doing really great things for people. He told me months ago to hang tight, my full was on top of the pile.

Like I said, it was nudge-time for sure, but I’d put it off because I didn’t want to hear them say no to me.

Because that would be it.

No hope.

Which is stupid, because there are other agents, other editors. And doing nothing was equally stupid; it would be what it was going to be. Nothing magical about it.


I bit the bullet and went to see my gynecologist today. Then, I came home and emailed those two people. I heard back from the agent within the hour. She’s still swamped, will be holding off on new queries for a while so she can start to tackle the backlog. She apologized and asked me to hang tight. As of right now, I’m waiting on that editor. Not sure what he’s going to say but I feel a little better–better, as in, a tad more hopeful. A smidgeon. My gynecologist told me everything looked great, we caught it early, my prognosis was very good.

Maybe there’s still time for me.


11 thoughts on “What’s going on?

  1. Oh, kk. ❤ My lovely, talented, healthy kk. I also hate having to nudge, but I think it's important. Once we begin sending out queries, we're on the business end. It's just good business to pay attention to who has what where and for how long. I have no predictions for what will be, but I continue to have faith in the beauty and merit of your work.


    • I couldn’t respond to you right away, Mrs Fringe. I read those first two lines and lost it.

      Thank you. It’s good to remember that the selling of our novels–to agent, editor, readers–is business, like you said. Emotion has to take a back seat to that. We need to keep our focus on the task at hand and remember, it isn’t a perfect process. But it is a slow one, so we have to prepare ourselves for what will likely be a long wait, and a lot of rejection. And as you said, we need to be diligent, watch our P’s and Q’s. If we don’t, who will?

      As for your last comment, all I can do is thank you again, and end this post right now, before I start crying again.

      xoxo kk


  2. What Mrs. said. And you cannot let NO have the power. You let it have all that power and guess what? You didn’t hear no. The fear of NO is what keeps a lot of us from persevering. You can persevere, kk. Albert and Mike are hanging tight, too. ❤


    • Elaine, spot on. That fear is a powerful beast, going back to the unknown and doubt and all that. It can paralyze a writer, kick her right in the teeth, usurp her mojo and that’s what I was fighting.

      Not just the writing part, but the health part. I am loathe to admit it, but that cancer diagnosis, the not knowing if it had spread or how far, that major surgery and all that, scared the living shit out of me. And even though doctors are telling me I’m okay, that fear is never far away.

      Like I said, kk ain’t speshul in that regard. Unfortunately. But when that happens, when our fear threatens to get the best of us, we need to face it head on, you are so right. We need to look it in the eye, say fuck you to it, and move forward. Because the alternatives are stagnation and regret, neither of which should be our future.

      Plus, like you said, Mike and Albert are counting on me. So is little Cherry, and even David Brandt.

      Thank you for your post, Elaine. I really, really appreciate it.

      xoxo kk


  3. I wondered if you had a WIP! ^^ I also always miss it when AW has a writing call, somehow, though this particular category would not have been in my wheelhouse.

    I’m glad you nudged those folks. I hope the agents has good things to tell you when the time comes.


  4. Very kind of you, Jen. My WIP is a hodge-podge, been kicking it around and that other one, my sorry attempt at erotica. . . yikes. 🙂 Who know, maybe some day when I don’t have anything better to do. . .

    This writing business can be fun sometimes, when it isn’t driving you effin’ insane.


  5. There’s definitely hope. I put off nudging too – for 8 months! Finally got up the nerve to call the editor and he said it was in the process of going through readers and he’d let me know in a couple of weeks. When he called to say they were offering a contract, the wait was worth it. Hang in there.


    • Linnea, what a fantastic story. Just what we writers still querying love to hear. So happy for you!!! The Power of the Nudge. Who woulda thunk it?


      Thank you so much, Linnea.

      xoxo kk


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