Yeah, right.

Writing colors my existence.

When I was writing EFFIN’ ALBERT, sometimes words eluded me. Those were my blackest days. When I was inspired and words flowed easy, I was awash in sunshine and daffodils. When I finished ALBERT, I felt hopeful. Not sure what color that is. I guess it doesn’t matter.

Today is grey, both literally and figuratively. Rain and doubt falling in equal measure. I wanted to do justice to those kids, thought I did but now I don’t know. I’m questioning myself today, wondering if I’ve been fooling myself, asking myself: Did I write something good or does it suck? I dragged ALBERT through the mud, wrote in fits and starts, hit a thousand different walls but I persevered and when I finally finished the first draft, I thought I’d created something decent. Now, I’m not so sure. Now, I’m not sure of anything except I’m not happy.

Intellectually, I realize that, for me, doubt comes part and parcel with business of writing, the business of taking a thought and twisting it, chipping away at it, molding it into a story with merit. Wondering if the story is decent, good, more than good–that’s all part of it.  Editing, revising that first draft, looking at the story objectively, being willing to consider what betas say and acting on that, reworking or deleting precious scenes–it’s all part of it and if you want to write a great story, a really fine novel you have to be willing to do that, do the work. You have to be willing to listen, to admit that what you wrote isn’t good enough yet. Maybe it won’t ever be but if you don’t try, you’ll never know. You have to move past the grey disappointment. Roll up your sleeves, quit your bitching, dry your tears. Buck up. Move on. Do what needs to be done and I will, I know I will. Tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after that.

Don’t post this, kk.

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9 thoughts on “Yeah, right.

  1. (((kk)))
    Gray is part of it. Don’t beat yourself up, or at least try not to. Take your break and move forward, that’s my mantra. You didn’t take a break yet. A day, two, three, not enough.

  2. kk….

    as you may have heard, yesterday I opened up a manuscript that I hadn’t looked at in several months with an idea for how to fix one of its problems, and when I started reading, I decided that it sucked in even more ways than I had thought.

    I got too discouraged. I made a quick note about the fix that I’d thought of and then I closed the document and I tried working on my current WIP instead but I decided everything sucked and what was the point and I didn’t do anything.

    Today I opened the old document again and started editing. I slashed a thousand words in two hours. No problem. :p Still haven’t gotten to the fix yet, but I need to be able to live with myself, right? 😀 😀

    Being capricious has its perks.

    Sometimes the downs simply need to be acknowledged and then ridden out until the ups come again. (((sappy hug)))

  3. buz, I read that, yeah, but I didn’t know about today. That’s so good to hear.

    I know what you and mrs fringe are telling me and I thank you for it.

    Sappy hugs for both of you right back.

  4. You’re not happy? Could be loss anxiety. You’re done. Those kids aren’t part of your life any longer. You’re going to miss them. Cheer up. You’ll find some new characters to kick around 🙂

    • I thought of that, linnea. Especially when I was driving the other day, thinking about those two kids, I’ve been with them for countless hours, countless. And I love ’em. As for not being part of my life any more, that would be true if I didn’t have some major rewriting to do, I have a feeling we’re going to be together for a while yet, which is good because thinking about forging a new relationship with a character right now is enough to blow my little mind.

      🙂

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