Insomnia *le sigh*

Student_at_His_Desk_-_Melancholy_(1633)_by_Pieter_Codde

It’s really early.

I should be sleeping right now. I shut the light off last night at what, ten?  And woke at 2:30 a.m. My cat’s keeping me company right now. And crickets. I just brewed a pot of coffee so I’ll partake in that in a moment, and then. . .

I don’t know.

Anybody out there right now? What do you do at three a.m.? I’m waiting for the pain meds to kick in. As of right now, my options are kind of limited. I checked my email, deleted some older stuff. Slipped over to AbsoluteWrite and felt a twinge of happiness because somebody sent me a message. Responded to that. Checked my blog to see if anyone responded to my last entry. Nope. Felt the sharp pang of regret, considered deleted the thing.

Started this one.

I’m sitting in the middle of the floor in my living room right now, lights off and front door open. Sitting cross-legged, bent forward slightly as to reach the keyboard of my laptop which is sitting on the floor in front of me, not cross-legged but maybe cross, maybe vexed at me for waking it at such an ungodly hour and worse, putting it to work, and to what end? Shall I write another blog post nobody is interested in reading or responding to? Continue this poor-me vein? Skip over to AW again and write something inane or inappropriate? Open EFFIN’ ALBERT and reread, for the millionth time, the problem chapter I can’t seem to get right, or step beyond? Get dressed, fill my travel mug with coffee, climb in my van and go for a ride down dark empty streets, past silent houses filled with sleeping people?

I wake up in pain, because of it. Step gingerly into the bathroom so as not to wake the husband or the cat. Most times the former remains asleep but not the feline. He hears me, always does and starts that woeful pining he knows I can’t resist. He isn’t satisfied. He wants to be fed. Wants the front door open so he can look outside so I oblige. My coffee brews, I take my vitamins. The meds kick in and by then I’m awake.

And so it goes. Again. Another punctuated day starting far too early.

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9 thoughts on “Insomnia *le sigh*

  1. I see you and I have the same end of the problem, staying asleep. Though last night I took a walk on the wild side and couldn’t fall asleep. Insomnia sucks, as does pain. I hope you’re sleeping now. ((((((Hugs)))))

  2. No fatalistic thoughts. Not allowed. I know I enjoy reading your words. It’s those twinges of happiness and sharp pains of regret that’ll get you into trouble, if you ask me. (And I know pain makes it even worse. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.)

    When I had a chapter like that (took me weeks to identify it) I eventually solved it by cutting and restarting it from scratch. When something’s not working, you may never know why. The subconscious writer mind is surprisingly good at fixing this crap though.

    • Hi Jordan. You are very kind and wise and it ain’t even ten a.m. yet.

      🙂

      Funny how words can do so many different tricks, pushing and pulling and tugging and ducking. Wanting to shine and wanting to hide. As for that chapter, I know what you’re talking about. I have scrapped some, added some. I think the problem isn’t with the chapter, per se, but in its proximity. It’s the beginning of the end of the book and I don’t know exactly where to take it. If I knew right now how to end EFFIN’ ALBERT that thing would be done in a week. No doubt in my mind. But because I still don’t know, everything I write is a problem. I’m afraid to commit.

      I’ve considered different scenarios, told myself to just write, see what happens. Problem with that is, I’ve been editing this thing on the fly, really working it, making it right so this “first draft” is really like a third or fourth draft. Nothing is put on “paper” without being scrutinized, pulverized, circumcised, flipped and dipped and whipped. I can’t seem to write this novel any other way, which means I am effectively precluding myself from running something up the flagpole to see which way the wind blows. . .

      I have to decide. That’s the hardest part.

      Thank you for responding so thoughtfully, Jordan. Please excuse the ramble.

      ❤ kk

      • Hey, no need for excuses. Also, sadly, no wisdom, just sharing that I’ve been there before, I know it sucks, and you may be right, writing through it may not be the answer. I once wrote 15-20k words into the exact same problem, and while I liked the words, they didn’t go anywhere. My writer’s subconscious knew it. It’s an awful, awful feeling, like being lost, or blind. Worse, I had to kill them all once I finally figured out the ending. Trouble is….took me four years to figure it out.

        Deciding IS hard. I write in much the same way, chiseling words into stone. Can’t seem to do it any other way either.

        Hang in there kk. I know you can do it. Maybe create some distance? I don’t know, I’m afraid my advice is poison. I don’t have manuscripts out with agents or praised by bestselling authors. (Still flabbergasted that you were able to pull that one off…) Clearly you got it together more than me!

        Ah, but the push and pull and tug of those words…can’t seem to leave them alone!

  3. Blog posts nobody responds to are the story of my life 😉

    Typically, I don’t end up going to bed until 2:30, so I do not often find myself in your position. There were a few times in college, notable enough for me to remember specific instances, where I went to bed and then woke up at 6 or 7, refreshed and rejuvenated, with nothing to do but get up because I was AWAKE. Of course, there was nothing for a person like me to do at 6 or 7. I think in each of those instances, I worked on and/or finished a short story I had begun (I wasn’t yet in the novelling business in college).

    • I have to toughen up.

      Yeah, I remember those days. All three of ’em. 🙂

      I need to feel AWAKE to write my book. Because it takes such concentration on my part, for real. Sometimes I’m writing and all of a sudden it’s like WHA?? Since when did it get dark??!! I straighten up and my body’s screaming, WHA??

      The best days I get 6 hours shut-eye and I’m good ’til seven p.m. or so. Eight if I don’t get horizontal. . .

      • Ah yes, the time travel of writing. Less convenient when it happens on your dinner break at work 😉 (who, me? No, I don’t have that problem….often…..)

        I’ve been trying to go to bed a bit earlier, to get up earlier and have more daylight to spend, but that hasn’t been happening.

  4. Hey Jordan, I just saw your last post there. . . I can’t figure out how to reply to it, I don’t seem to have that option. . .

    Oh well. I do appreciate the commiseration, if nothing else. Hopefully I shall figure stuff out before the four-year mark. 🙂 My goal is to have it done and in the hands of betas by the one-year mark, which is November 1, 2013. Being as I started the thing at the start of NaNoWriMo, 2012. Hard to believe. . .

    As for chiseling the thing into stone, that’s a great analogy. Funny thing is, all the novels I wrote before this, I felt like I was chiseling them OUT of stone, as if they were there, intact, waiting for me to skillfully chip away to reveal them in their glorious entireties. This one: not so much.

    Btw, I consider your comments tonic, not poison, appreciated all the more because you know what it’s like. . .

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