Eviscerate me, Chuck Wendig.

Torso (2)

So.

Three a.m. or something like that and I’m thinking about my book. EFFIN’ ALBERT. Just north of 64K words, aiming for a solid 70K which means, ballpark, six thousand more words to go. Still don’t know how to end the thing but hey, that’s not the point. Point is, it’s three effin’ a.m. and I’m thinking about my book. . .

So I open the file in Word, start reading and tweaking like always and get kind of irritated because honestly, I’m not what you’d call sharp as a tack right now. Still nursing that first cup of joe which was good and hot two hours ago. Then I open Absolute Write (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/) and mess around there for a bit, come back to ALBERT, dick around there for a while then I open my email account and see notification of Chuck Wendig’s latest blog thingie.

Chuck Wendig doesn’t know me. I think he’s very smart and very cool but Chuck doesn’t care. Still, I like him. I really enjoy his writing style and I appreciate his honesty, his sense of right and wrong–not that I always agree–and yeah, the way he speaks to writers. He knows writers. Sometimes he offers hot tips to writers. Shares his knowledge with writers. Hooks writers up with some really nifty people who know a thing or two about writing. Like, in today’s blog, he writes:

Delilah S. Dawson swung by on her mighty unicorn to lay her scrolls of wisdom at our door — she left us with 25 Steps To Being A Traditionally Published Author blah blah

and I think REALLY? I can do it in 25 FLIPPIN’ STEPS??? Which gets my heart going pitty-pat thinking about two of my books, this one and the last, CHERRY. Right now CHERRY’s out with a couple of agents and a couple of indie publishers–I might have mentioned that a few hundred times–and EFFIN’ ALBERT . . . yeah. So anyhoo, I figure what the hell, right? Let’s see what Chuck’s good pal Delilah S. Dawson has to say. Btw, the post I just referenced was written about two weeks ago. Today’s post is for those who want to self-publish blah blah, I don’t care about that.

I click on the link and

Holy shit.

Tell you what: doesn’t matter if you’re thinking about writing a novel or writing one or revising or peddling the thing, I highly recommend reading Ms. Dawson’s guest blog. Right now err, as soon as you finish reading this one. She’s entertaining as shit and informative, to boot. When you’re ready, it’s right here: http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2013/08/13/25-steps-to-being-a-traditionally-published-author-lazy-bastard-edition/ .

Step 1:

1. IF YOU’RE ACTUALLY LAZY, GTFO

Yeah. ‘Cause writing’s hard. Even writing a little blog thingie’s hard if you don’t have any ideas, kind of where I’m at right with my ball-in-chain I mean WIP, speaking of which I’m at Step 5 with EFFIN’ ALBERT, Step 5 being

5. ALL FIRST DRAFTS ARE WORD VOMIT MADE OF HORSE SHIT

Ahh. That explains the lingering stench.

Blah blah let’s skip to Step 9 because that step is about queries and I’m kind of there with CHERRY right now, plus I can’t help but think about AW’s Query Letter Hell to which I owe so much, and for which I have a great affinity when I’m not dreaming of strangling it with its own entrails or kicking it in the nuts, Step 9 as in:

9. TIME TO WRITE A QUERY, OR: HOW TO GO INSANE IN ONLY ONE DAY

Right. Dawson provides links to QueryTracker, Janet Reid’s Query Shark and Absolute Write, plus she writes smart advice stuff like Once you’ve got what you believe to be the Best Motherfucking Query Ever, have someone who has never read your manuscript read it and tell you if it makes any sense whatsoever, which makes all kinds of sense whatsoever, I think.

With CHERRY, I’m between Steps 9 and 15, which is:

15. WAIT. THAT WASN’T A REJECTION. I MUST BE TRIPPING BALLS

I know! Right????? And only ten more steps to go!!!!!!

What does all this have to do with Chuck Wendig? Or kkellie’s evisceration? Let’s tackle my evisceration first. Generally speaking, I guess one could make the argument that when one writes a novel, one lays herself bare, makes herself susceptible to all kinds of bacterial and viral infection thingies that could, theoretically, really mess her up. One opens oneself up like that, puts it out there and is instantly vulnerable, at the mercy of God-like agents and stogie-gnawing editors and smart readers and evil reviewers and strange little folk who wake up at ungodly hours ’cause they swallowed their pain meds way too early the night before no doubt about that whatsoever. . .

Truth is, I opened WordPress not knowing what the hell to write about so I clicked Wiki Commons hoping for a little inspiration. I saw that illustration and kind of liked it, actually, I really liked it and at that moment I thought, What if I write a blog thingie about evisceration? I know, I’ll weave in some of Chuck Wendig’s smart and informative stuff so as to give this blog a measure of respectability, maybe even a bit intellectual weight, no disrespect intended whatsoever and I’m not just saying that, Mr. Wendig. 

Regardless. There you have it and this is the result. Not sure what it says about me but you know what?

Chuck don’t care.

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5 thoughts on “Eviscerate me, Chuck Wendig.

  1. Every time I go to Chuck Wendig’s blog I read something that I needed to read RIGHT THAT SECOND. It’s like he’s got a wire tap in my brain or something…and it kinda reassures me that we writers are all working through the same sort of issues. It’s good to find commiseration for the evisceration…or something 🙂

    • Jordan, he is so good. I know exactly what you mean. As for our issues, yeah. . .never in my wildest dreams did I ever think. . . there is no logical explanation except the obvious: we are, indeed, nutty as fruitcakes.

      🙂

  2. Pingback: Janet Reid would be proud. . . | kkellie: write me

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